Pee Pee Phone Goes Green.

The other night someone pointed out to me a situation that has possibly never happened before EVER. As crazy as this may sound..The Pee Pee phone was actually healthy for a brief period of time! There was a granola bar resting atop of it PLUS some kind of healthy smoothie type beverage placed in front of it. WHAT THE FUCK??!!!! Was someone jogging by and decided they needed to leave their healthy lifestyle behind and pick up a case of the clap? Did Richard Simmons jazzercise his way down Avenue A leaving these items in his wake? Did I just completely BLOW YOUR MIND??? A few hours later these items mysteriously went missing and were replaced by Colt 45 cans and wadded up tissues soaked with snot and possibly bird flu. The NYC map lying on the ground suggests that it was not a local who placed the healthy stuff there... I'm so broke right now and I was thinking to myself today..If someone randomly offered me 100 bucks to lick the Pee Phone for five whole minutes, would I consider it? Nah...i'd probably say no. Although if someone offered me a years subscription to CAT FANCY, that may be a different story! The subscription is only $3.95 a month but that's besides the point.

Counter Intelligence

Okay..There is a certain diner on Avenue A that has been there for many years. It has regulars that go and eat there every day. Often times, I must void urine. To do so, I need to find a bathroom unless I'm really drunk and decide to tinkle outside somewhere. I use the bathroom at this diner fairly often and sometimes end up sitting in there and talking to people..I have come to the realization that the same people sit there at the counter every day and almost every one of these people are under the impression that the CIA is after them or that they are surrounded by spies from the CIA. Now, I don't mean to be judgmental BUT I admit to having major doubts about these people being correct about this. When I asked them to provide evidence to prove their theories they said stuff like, "the waitress knocked on the table three times..obviously a CIA signal!" Anyhoo, I call these regulars The Counter Intelligence. Because they are sitting at a freakin' counter. Get it? Har! To prove how completely normal I myself am, I will post a photo of my most prized possession, which is framed and hanging in my room in a place of honor.

Embarrassing photos of me.

Forced to take dance classes by my mother..I think I was dressed up as a chicken here. Loverly! Age 8 or 9. A miserable, depressed tomboy with a weird haircut. At Catskills hotel..age 14. yup, I had no friends..but that huge afro was company enough for me! Around 15 or 16 years old..Getting ready to follow the Dead around and do nitrous. All hippied out with John lennon glasses during the height of the 80's. This was more than likely my only friend. Yeah, that's me with the ginormous afro. Isn't she lovely.... You thought they were going to be naked pics didn't you, you old perv! I found some truly hideous old photos of myself ranging from 5 years old to teenage angst. Always the freak, I was a hippie at age 13 thus ensuring I was a junior high school and later high school outcast. Growing up in Flushing, Queens was miserable for me. So close to "The City", yet my classmates were bordering on rednecks. I was shunned for having a big afro, buck teeth, weird blue tinted glasses, and an unapologetic attitude. As wretched as it all was, I still didn't let anyone get to me..I knew they would all stay in queens and pop out babies and never become enlightened. I discovered Washington Square Park and later Tompkins and I did indeed become enlightened...But after ten years of drinking mad dog and cisco, I honestly for the life of me don't remember what I discovered. Oh well! I'm sure it wasn't important anyway! It is clear that I looked like a freak and probably acted like one too. I did have some friends who thought I was funny..but not one date did I go on. My first big relationship was with a 24 year old homeless guy I met in the park when I was 16. I wander around by myself a lot these days, and being a tiny fake blond, I get hit on a lot. I guess I seem approachable or something..I should carry these old photos around with me with my number written on the back to give to men. When guys hit on me, I like to hand them this card I have that says "Syphilis-It's Back!" I ask them if they want me to write my number on the back of it..They usually shake their heads and slowly back away. Or I saunter up to them and whisper, "My vagina. It's diseased," in a super sexy voice..Or I just look at their crotch and start laughing. They love this!

Kind of sick of Slumdog Millionaire.

Just watched hours upon hours of Oscars...I'm glad Heath won and I'm really glad Kate Winslet won..but I'm getting tired of Slumdog Millionaire I have to say. It was a good movie, but in my opinion The Reader was way better. Are people just suckers for the romantic happy ending? I wanted Mickey Rourke to win too..but I kinda figured Sean Penn would. Every time I see Penn all I can think about is him floating around on a raft in New Orleans helping people and holding a gun. But I really love Kate. Heavenly Creatures and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind are two of my favorite pictures. Along with Santa with Muscles and Playmate of the Apes..Hardy har! The two photos below are of Ray's most loyal customers. They are at his store 24/7. They hang out in the tree right outside his door..Who knows how long that damn wooden duck has been there..and that freaking plastic bag! Someone tied it on I guess..it never blows away even during a storm. The duck and the plastic bag convey a deep, meaningful message I'm sure. I just haven't figured out what that message is exactly.

Exciting band news!

Well, I'm excited anyway! John and I got booked to play the Chicago Blues festival in June..This is a pretty big thing for us..We're obviously not playing the same stage as BB King or whoever else is gonna be there, we're playing at some little bar I think..but it's awesome! We get flown out there, get a hotel, get to play and go to the after party on sunday night. They usually don't have old timey blues there I think but they are doing a tribute to Maxwell Street type thingy..Our friends Dom Flemons and Blind Boy Paxton will be playing too. Between this, the comp John is doing for Dust-to-Digital this spring, and our new CD with the Crumb cover that'll be done by the summer, I predict big things for us! By big things I mean that I can buy the wine that comes in the bottle instead of the box. When I'm rich I'm totally going to pay someone to floss my teeth for me. This is the beauteous artwork that R. Crumb did for our last CD...Of course, I can draw just as well as this. I just don't feel like it.

Street Scenes

G last week. He has a different crazy hat on every time I see him. Biker Bill who is still fuming about his arch nemesis Biker Billy. Those two REALLY need to have a cook off at Ray's! John Penley who is leaving for lake Erie in two weeks. He is giving all his photos to the NYU Tamiment library. Singing "New York New York" to yuppies passing by G says he is preparing for the WATCHMEN movie(which I already have tickets to in IMAX thank you very much!)

Mars Bar.

Tanya, Matt, and Zach!!!! These photos were taken at my favorite dive bar Mars Bar. There's not too many really dirty, grungy, dive bars left in the city and Mars is by far the best one. Pretty much every time I go there some crazy shit happens...fights are common, the windows being busted out and broken is a regular occurrence...cell phones and coats are ripped off all the time..I won't even mention what goes on in the bathrooms. The bar is scarred, the place is full of funny graffiti, there is weird ass art hung up on the walls, and most people who hang out there on a regular basis are fucking nuts. How can I not love this place? There used to be a pay phone in there that somehow went missing..If this place ever closes i'm not sure which bar I would go to..I'll probably just get really depressed and get drunk in front of where it used to be. If you go there tip Amy the bartender well..she deserves it!

Shayne Speak.

This is Pezent Shayne who lives at C Squat..Shayne is from the west coast where he was sometimes referred to as Macgyver due to his ability to open squats with nothing but a toothpick and some yarn, and his penchant for climbing on top of tall, dangerous bridges and rooftops. Shayne is a unique character and has a habit of saying strange things which we call "shayne-speak." The other night Shayne was talking about how dangerous it is to go swimming if you have really long dreadlocks..he said that someone should invent a backpack with some kind of floatation device in it in which one could stuff their dreads into when they go for a swim. Shayne is very quoatable and the quote for the night was "Do you know how blatantly offensive it is to be poked with a stick? Trust me."

Reverend Billy's Love Fest!

The honorable Reverend Billy and The Church of Stop Shopping were out in Union Square today to celebrate real love, not the fake consumerism VD bullshit that's shoved down everyone's throat every year. Reporters and photographers were out in full force as Billy gave valentines out to people who show real love, like the activists that are trying to save Union Square from being completely taken over by yuppies, the people who run the indie bookstore BLUESTOCKINGS, and the cyclists/activists from TIME'S UP. Rev. Billy also performed a wedding! Everyone was almost moved to tears as the groom(who is a Ray's regular) kissed his lovely and freezing bride. The Stop Shopping choir sounded great as usual and hopefully Billy and his gang ended up at STARFUCKS afterwards and performed a much needed exorcism on their cash register.

Sorry 'Bout Your Luck.

Today is Friday the 13th and boy do I feel like finding a cute little puppy to kick! Just kidding..I would rather pinch the li'l rascal! Anyhoo, I took some photos of some bad luck situations...Firstly, Nino's Pizza on Avenue A and St. Marks is temporarily closed. They had a sign that said something about renewing some permit or something..but I like the sign that said Closed by the Department of Health and Mental Hygiene. I guess Nino's Pizza makes people go nuts and I like to imagine, maybe fills them with a berzerker type rage. Hmmm... Then there is Patrick O'Hare..Has anyone seen him? Who's looking for him? What did he do? Where did he go? Who knows? And bad luck for puppies who want to pee on East 4th St. by Avenue A..Gotta tinkle elsewhere i guess. Might I suggest on the ugly new SUBWAY sandwich shop that just opened? I walked by IRON FAIRIES on St. Marks between 2nd and 3rd to try to find some pagan good luck charms..and they seem to have gone out of business already. There were work permit signs posted, but I was too short to read what they said exactly. That free soap they were giving out when they first opened probably gave everyone leprosy.

Hardy Har Har!

These are photos of humorous signs I took at Ray's Candy Store tonight. First we have the IT TASTES BETTER IN A COP sign. A young cheerleader from the 1980's holding a huge phallic ice-cream cone. Underneath, well...What once tasted good in a cone now apparently tastes better in a cop. Ray has a few of these old looking campy signs in his store and always seems confused when drunk ironic hipsters eagerly ask him if they are for sale. Ray also, at times, tries to stop his place from become crowded with too many folks just hanging out and not buying anything. He made a bunch of NO HANGOUT signs, which got defaced almost immediately. One of the signs that said NO HANGOUT quickly became SNOW HANGOUT. Poor Ray...Another sign went from NO HANGOUT to NOW HANGOUT and presently says NOW CHANGEOUT with the W resembling a pair of boobies. Alright, I admit I added the nipples to the W...You, dear readers, had most likely already figured that out.

Short update on The Pee Pee Phone

Someone posted a flyer offering free financial counseling and tax filing in the Pee Phone earlier today. Checking back tonight, I saw it was already ripped down. Is there ANYTHING this phone doesn't offer? Food, drugs, alcohol, socks, plastic bags, free tax advice, the sharp scent of urine...Pee Phone has it all. God Bless the Pee Phone.

Best Garbage Ever.

Today I found the best garbage ever! Walking home on East 7th street I spied the most wonderful thing just sitting out on the curb..The Hand Chair! I always wanted a chair shaped like a hand and now all my dreams have come true...Much to John's dismay, I made him carry it home for me. Everyone stared at us on the street, and some laughed..but they are obviously all jealous of my chair! Hopefully it doesn't have bed bugs, but even if it does..it's worth it. Because it's a chair. A chair shaped like a HAND! Oh, the joy I felt when I sat in it and it cradled my buttocks tenderly. Here we see John carrying it home, me resting in it on the way (because watching him made me tired), and our friend Dom enjoying himself immensely whilst sitting in it. And yes, it does take up a third of our apartment.

The Pee Pee Phone.

These lovely images are of The Pee Phone located by Ray's Candy Store on the corner of Avenue A and 7th street. This phone booth reflects the very definition of decadence. I have observed all kinds of craziness happening in and about this phone. For one thing, everyone and their mother pees on it. Sometimes they purposely pee on the receiver just for an added bonus. People have had sex in the Pee Phone, have passed out drunk in the Pee Phone, have fought and made up in it and most likely all kinds of other stuff I don't know about. Every deadly sin has probably been broken in this phone booth. Just look at the pics I snapped of it a few hours ago! We have beer, vodka, used toilet paper, what looks like a nasty bologna sandwich, a dirty sock, possibly a bag of poop, and lots and lots of URINE! Ah, yes...Contemplate the humble Pee Phone. And believe it or not, I do see people using it to make calls all the time. Last week I witnessed two men spraying it down with bleach and scrubbing the hell out of it. These men deserve the Nobel prize.

Riding the Crimson Wave

This photo of my beloved cat lady Jocelyn Wildenstein reflects how I feel on the inside today. Yeah, Aunt Flow is coming to town and she's one nasty bitch. Why is so hard being a woman? ...sniff...Everything annoyed me today. Everything I tried to accomplish didn't quite work out. It's also freezing outside..then I ate a pint of Ben and Jerry's and became even colder..and fatter. My doctor thinks i'm nuts because I told him I think I have thrush, scurvy, or maybe leprosy. Well? I MIGHT GODAMMIT!!!!! This neighborhood is just so depressing...Love Saves the Day is closed..A VALUMART will probably open in that spot..or a freaking FRO-YO place..What the fuck? FRO-YO? Are people payed large amounts of money to sit around and come up with cute little names like that just to annoy me? FRO-YO is almost as bad as the phrase LOL. No, you're not "laughing out loud" while you're sitting there typing LOL. Well, probably not, at any rate. I guess when half of this neighborhood becomes empty storefronts, which it will, there will be plenty of places for me to busk in front of..Maybe someone will kick down a cupcake and a Fro-Yo! It sucks, because I really love Sascha Baron Cohen and Borat..but his girlfriend needs to go away..Her and that shopping movie that's everywhere now are more repulsive than Sarah Jessica Parker and those Sex and the Shitty Crones. I really miss those trash can fires that used to be in Tompkins..If there was one there right now we would all be so toasty warm and cozy snuggled up together!

The Promised Land

So these photos are of a house belonging to a friend of Johns. This man has been collecting artifacts from the 1920's, 30's and earlier for many many years. I have never been to this place yet, but plan on going soon. Honestly, I don't know if I can handle the amount of cool stuff he has. John said the first time he went over there he was so overwhelmed that he had trouble breathing and had to step outside for a bit to calm down. Our own apartment does more than pale in comparison..it practically curls up and dies. If I had but a tenth of his stuff I would feel like i've accomplished something with my life. Not that I care so much about stuff..but I mean, really....JUST LOOK AT ALL HIS STUFF, DUMMY! I NEED IT! I NEED IT!!! Ok, I'm calm now...I guess I should go. Apparently all these new HD channels have magically appeared on our TV. Now who doesn't want to watch surgical transplant procedures in glowing, gory red?

Yes, We Have No Bananas

Oh man..Everyone has to check out the HBO documentary Cat Dancers. What a weird true story..Somehow I suspect Ron Holiday is not being entirely honest about how things went down. At any rate, Delgado and I have been practicing our dance moves... In other exciting news John has uploaded some of his old 78's on our East River web page. If you click the link for 78 RPM records you can hear some real gems. Eden and John's East River String Band

Random Cell Phone Pics.

Man, I hate groundhogs. After today I realize that they are evil and would not be against harming me and everyone i've ever loved. Bah. But it's time for Random Cell Phone pics! Me. Back in the day...8 tracks and food stamps. Ears. Erin and I on Halloween. Ninja versus Harlequinn. Pezent Shayne at Csquat. Hmmm....